“When I find myself in times of trouble, Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be
And in my hour of darkness she is standing right in front of me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be.”
Dear Mum,
It’s been 971 days since I spoke to you last. It feels like yesterday. The pain of losing you is still so fucking real.
So goddamn raw.
Last week I had my yearly mammogram. I couldn’t help but think of you and what you went through years ago. But you came out of it stronger—fiercer. You were and will always be my hero. But Mum, breast cancer in our family concerns me. Will I end up like you and Grandma and all of her sisters?
I can still picture the newspaper article written about Grandma. Your mum was a trail blazer. A mastectomy in the 80s was brutal but she did it and they wrote about her. No one thought she’d survive, but she did. Even just for a few years. You were so proud of her. So was I, even at the age of 10.
Her name was Winifred McCollum.
But I’m not like you two. I’m not strong. I don’t want to get cancer Mum. It scares the shit out of me. I cried all the way home from SA Breast Clinic. I listened to the playlist I made for your funeral. All the songs you loved in life. Tears rolled down my face on the North South Connector. Despite the sadness, it made me feel closer to you. Is that pathetic? Sometimes I feel like a fucking damn baby. It’s been almost 3 years since you’ve passed, why can’t I heal and move on?
Is this normal?
I miss you.
Where are you?
I don’t feel you.
People say that you’re watching over me but if that’s the case, why can’t I feel it?
WHY CAN’T I FEEL YOU? Smell you. Be connected to you in some sort of way?
All I feel is darkness. Sadness.
Abandoned.
It’s overwhelming. I wish I could talk to you about it.
Life has been hard since you left. I feel like I’m the odd one out. Whether it’s at work or in my personal life. I just feel so different.
Why am I so different Mum?
If you were here, you’d tell me what you always did ever since I was little and feeling the same way.
“You’re different for a reason. You’re special Aisha. You make people think differently. Your view of the world is about helping others. Boosting those that need it the most. You’re kind, loving, smart, supportive and generous. Don’t ever change for anyone Aisha.”
It’s hard Mum but I promise you I won’t change.
I have a new partner now. She’s kind and supportive and everything I have ever wanted. She listens to me, even when I’m all over the place. She always finds a way to help me. You’d like her Mum. I wish you could have met her. Her name is Jade and she has saved me. Saved me from ending my life after you died.
Sometimes I just want this pain to go away. To end it all cause it’s too hard to go on. But Jade makes me realise that I am needed and wanted and that gives me a reason to go on. She has a little boy called Patrik. He’s just turned 5. He’s so sweet Mum. He’s got the most beautiful blue eyes and super cute wing nuts and he’s polite and kind and loving. You’d be proud of his manners Mum. I wish you could have met them both.
Our life together hasn’t been easy from the start. We’ve had a lot of people questioning our choice to be together. She’s 28 years younger than me Mum. But what these people don’t understand or bother to even ask, is that we have a connection that isn’t about age. My childhood trauma has forever trapped me in a younger mindset while hers has matured her. We just get each other. I haven’t experienced anything like it. And you know what Mum, she doesn’t want to change me. Even my shitty traits. She accepts and adores me for exactly who I am. I know you would have understood Mum. But it saddens me that I have lost so many friends over my new relationship. Friends of over 20 years. I know what you would say though Mum.
“They were never friends in the first place darling.”
I wish I could hear you say that—in person.
It's my birthday tomorrow Mum. I’m sure you already know that. It’s just not the same though. Nothing is the same without you. I want to wake up with you calling me super early like you always did. But you won’t.
You can’t.
I miss you Mum.
You are forever in my thoughts.
Always your youngest,
Aisha x