Today is the last of the firsts and the worst one yet.
I have survived Christmas, Easter, birthdays, and the scattering of Mum’s ashes but this one is a fucking doozy.
Exactly 12 months ago Mum died.
Today is the last of the firsts and the worst one yet.
I have survived Christmas, Easter, birthdays, and the scattering of Mum’s ashes but this one is a fucking doozy.
Exactly 12 months ago Mum died.
Grief is a cunt. It rears its ugly head at the most inopportune times, and then it lingers. Everything you thought you knew is shadowed with doubt. Your new best friend slowly burns your insides out until you can’t take it anymore.
I’m finding it incredibly hard to sit in my grief.
It feels dark—an overwhelming emptiness of black. It’s thick. It’s uncomfortable. It consumes me. That’s why it has taken so long to write this. When I post this, it’s the end.
Over the last couple of months, I’ve seen Mum die just that little bit more each time I visit.
Do I have months to tell you how I feel? To make you feel as loved, like the love I felt from you? How, despite everything, you are my hero, always my hero?
Dear dad,
Words cannot express how much pain and hardship I have endured because of you. Over the last 47 years, I have struggled with the so-called ‘legacy’ you have left.
I suffer from anxiety.
I have done so ever since I can remember. I was probably born with it because I don’t remember a time in my life when I didn’t feel anxious. In fact, I don’t remember a time when I didn’t question my right to be in this world.
My hands shook so badly they made my whole body vibrate. I could feel my heart pounding in my throat. I couldn’t breathe.
Rasim Lelic was born in Bosnia and Herzegovina, in a town called Bosanska Krupa.
My earliest memory of my mother was hiding underneath her skirt.
Christmas has always been a tough time for me.
I’d rather listen to music than talk to people.
When I was in primary school, the other kids used to tease me about my name.
Have you ever been mistaken for the opposite gender? I have.
This blog has been years in the making. So many thoughts – so little confidence.